Learning to Love...Again

Love is a powerful emotion—arguably the most powerful emotion one can feel. Love can make us happy, but love can also hurt. Love can surprise us, but love can also disappoint. If you are like me, you put your heart into everything and everyone. If someone needs you, then you are there for them. If someone needs help, you are there to help them. You are so busy taking care of others, that you forget to take care of yourself. Being selfless is an amazing quality to have, but you need to make sure your kindness isn't being taken advantage of.

My Story

An ex-boyfriend of mine took advantage of my selflessness. I was there for him day and night. I was there for him before he even knew he needed me. I knew exactly what he needed, what would make him smile, etc. Unfortunately, in return, I did not receive the same treatment. He might have said he was always there for me, but he was not there for me in the way that I needed him to be. If you read my previous post, My Diagnosis, you know that I was sick for a while. I had many surgeries, and yet he did not visit me in the hospital freely. I had to ask him to come. When he did, he did not bring me flowers, ask how I was feeling, comfort me, or be there for me. He did read to me, which was sweet, but it wasn’t what I needed in the moment. This was just one story out of many where he was not there for me like I needed him to be. However, I still loved him. I convinced myself that he would change one day and love me like I deserved to be loved. Unfortunately, he never did. After almost 4 years of dating, he broke up with me over the phone and then jumped into a new relationship three months later.

To say he destroyed me would be an understatement. I loved him and in return, he gave me the ultimate betrayal. He broke me, he destroyed my self-confidence, he ruined me. For a while, I even loved him after he broke my heart.

The Lesson

NEVER give someone who betrayed you, power over you. This is a lesson that I recently learned. I realized that for those 4 years, I was loving myself less and less because he was taking that love away from me. I neglected myself, and now I am learning to love myself all over again.

Learning to love myself has been difficult. Some days I think I am not strong enough to push through the pain that my ex caused me. However, there are days when I can feel like I can do anything. I am in a season of learning to be my biggest cheerleader. Even though I am going through a massive heartbreak, it ultimately brought me closer to God.

We are all children of God. God is our father. He does not want to see us in a state where we are struggling to love ourselves. However, He loves us no matter what kind of state we are in. He created us in His perfect image. We owe it to our Father to love ourselves, the way He loves us. It can be difficult to remember that we need to love ourselves too. For a long time, I used to feel selfish to put my needs first. I always wanted to put people first. Know this, it is NOT selfish to put yourself first in situations. Yes, it is important to be there for others, but it is also important to be there for yourself.

Learning to love myself again has been a challenge, but it is one that I will overcome. Do you want to know how I know that? It is because I know I have God. Nothing is impossible with God. Even when I feel it is impossible to love myself, I remember that I have God right next to me. He knows what I need, and when I need it. Right now, God has been telling me I need to learn how to love myself again. I let someone strip that away and now I have been left to rebuild. I will rebuild love for myself, and this time it will be so strong it will never fall.