Heartbreak.

"No boy is worth crying over and the one who is won't make you cry" - my grandma

Heartbreak is a terrible feeling. Whether it is because you lost a relationship, a family member, or a dream, it can be difficult to manage. Always remember that your feelings are valid. Everyone processes loss differently. In this entry, I will talk about the loss of a relationship. However, if you would like to read about other forms of heartbreak, I have written about those as well.

I have had my heart broken twice because of a relationship. I was 17 when I had my first heartbreak and I was 22 when I had my second heartbreak. Both times, I got my heart broken over the phone.

My First Heartbreak

The first guy I ever loved was a friend in Arizona. Yes, that is right. My first relationship was a long-distance one. However, we started as friends, and then feelings began to grow. We related on many things like the value of family, the love for animals, being there for others, and we both loved spending time outside. Now, these are just a few qualities we shared among many others. We texted each other every day, FaceTimed, and even got to visit each other. We became best friends. However, the relationship ultimately ended because our lives were going in two separate directions. This was the first time I had gotten broken up with over the phone, but there was no other way.

The Lesson I Learned

With my first heartbreak, I learned that love does truly exist. While he was not the one for me, God showed me what love could feel like. God brings people into our lives for a very specific reason at a very specific time. There is a reason God brought us together. At the time, we thought it was because we were meant to be together. Now, we know differently. Two years after we broke up, we came back into each other's lives but not because feelings were resurfacing. It was because our families were going through similar tragedies. My grandma was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and his father was also diagnosed with cancer. Both forms of cancer were extremely aggressive. Our friends were there for us, but no one really understood what we were going through. However, we knew exactly what the other person was going through. We were there for each other during those dark times. Sadly, both my grandma and his father have been called back home to Heaven. However, this is why God had our paths cross back in 2019. It was so we could be there for each other years later when our loved ones were battling cancer. We are still friends to this day. While I was extremely hurt we broke up, that relationship was a foundation we needed to build to provide each other the necessary support in the upcoming years. We did not know that at the time, but now we do. God always has a plan.

My Second Heartbreak

The second guy I loved was a guy I met in college. When we met, we were both freshmen in college. We became fast friends. He seemed like everything I'd ever hoped and dreamed for. He was tall, handsome, funny, talented, a family man, handy, and loved God. I thought he was the one. We dated throughout all 4 years of college. However, throughout those 4 years, it was not all sunshine and roses the entire time. In fact, it took him 2 years to even buy me flowers. He did love me, but I knew he loved other things before me. In our senior year of college, we were at a party together. I ended up leaving early because I was not feeling it. He didn't even notice I left the party. The only reason he found out I was gone is because I called him crying because he didn't notice I left. However, this was the kind of treatment I got more times than I care to say. This was the hardest thing to admit to myself. He was never there for me like I needed him to be. I put more effort into him than I did to myself. I remember having numerous conversations with him asking for him to put more effort into our relationship. A grown man in a relationship is someone who hears his girlfriend telling him the change she needs to see, and he does everything he can to please her, even if he already thinks he is doing a good job. Needless to say, he did not change. Even if he did it was only for about a week before he would go back to his normal way of treating me in the relationship. That was one of the hardest parts of the relationship. Now, I know no one is perfect in a relationship. I know I messed up in some areas. However, if I knew I did something to upset him, I worked on improving every day. If I messed up, I apologized instantly. I did not get the same in return. Sometimes I would cry myself to sleep because, in some moments, I was miserable in the relationship, but I loved him so much that loving him was worth the hurt I was feeling. The relationship ultimately ended because he would not marry a Catholic, which I am. He considers himself to be more of a non-denominational Christian, while I am Catholic. What hurt is that despite that, I still loved him and his beliefs, but he could not accept mine. We dated for 3 years and 10 months, and he broke up with me over the phone. In addition, only 3 months later, he got into a new relationship with a girl that I had a feeling he would jump to once he broke up with me. He made me feel like I was trash that he threw on the side of the road.

The Lesson I Learned:

The lesson this relationship taught me is to never settle. It hurts to admit that he wasn't the one for me. Even if he thinks he did, he never fought for me, despite him telling me "I love you". I deserve to be fought for. This heartbreak is still very fresh and I am navigating how to overcome it. There are good days and bad days. However, I recently came across this verse in the bible. It is from Song of Solomon 5: 6-7. It states:

"I opened to my beloved,

but my beloved had turned and was gone.

My soul failed me when he spoke.

I sought him, but did not find him;

I called him, but he gave no answer.

Making their rounds in the city

the sentinels found me;

they beat me, they wounded me,

they took away my mantle,

those sentinels of the walls".

This is how he made me feel. I always sought after him, but he just turned away and was gone. By staying in this type of relationship, I would be settling. No one deserves to settle for a relationship that is less than what you deserve. Yes, I am still hurting but one day that the hurt will fade away. You always need to remember that when God closes one door for you, that means the next door is meant to be opened. God does not bring people into your life for no reason. This was a lesson from God that I should settle for no one. He also taught me that no one can give me the love that He gives me.

If you are currently going through a heartbreak, I am here for you. It is a terrible pain to feel but trust me, the day will come when you look back and be proud of yourself for getting through this. Always remember that the person meant for you would never put himself or herself in a position to lose you. The person who is meant for you would never make you question where you both stand. The person who is meant for you will withstand all trials and obstacles that are thrown your way. The person who is meant for you will love you despite your flaws and differences. We will get through this together, because remember you are not alone.